Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
