Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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