Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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