I hate your face
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
