someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
