...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
