I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
