You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
