you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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