Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
