I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
