I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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