just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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