And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
