I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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