i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
