Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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