And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
