I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
