I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
What a dumb baby whore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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