What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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