i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
