so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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