There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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