went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
