please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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