I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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