I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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