every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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