She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
