never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
