i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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