I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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