my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
