Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
