i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pants are for mortals
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
