please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
