Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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