you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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