my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
