Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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