She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
