The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
A+ Viking dick
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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