Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
