I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
