You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
