One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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