He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
