A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
