i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
