just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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