I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And then he peed in my hair
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