Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
