i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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