I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
