hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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