When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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