I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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