they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
