Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
