I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
