what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i think i just lost a toe
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Someone signed my nipple.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
